A Dramatic Turn of Events

I have been thinking long and hard over if I was going to post this or not. I wrote it all down hoping that it would help me get it off my chest and mind. And seeing how this is kind of my journal it was written here. Much of this is very personal and maybe a little too detailed. But this will be printed and added to the rest of my blog books that will be passed down. So this post is for me.

June 8, 2012
Today is a day I will always remember. I think I'm still in shock from the days events. Today I had a man die on me - in my arms.

It was the second day of our Stake Youth Conference Pioneer Trek. We were out at Three Peaks, just fifteen minutes west of Enoch. The day before we had gone four miles, it was quite hard on the kids and even myself. The sun was so hot. We were told that today was going to be even harder and longer. We had planned to go around eight miles through very rough terrain and up steep slopes. It was very trying. Luckily we had the wind blowing, making it more bearable than yesterday. Of course it meant more dust in the eyes and mouth, but I think everyone would take that over the heat.
We had gone about four miles when it happened. It was around 12:00-12:30pm. We were about a forth of a mile out of our designated lunch stop, when a man, I would know later as George Kaczmar collapsed. I saw him trip and try to get up but fell again and didn't move. I rushed over to try and help the other leaders. We flipped him onto his back and I immediately grabbed his legs to elevate them, as I assumed it was heat exhaustion. I yelled to have everyone back away and give us space. When I looked down again, his face was dark bluish/purple and his body began to spas as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. I knew then this wasn't heat exhaustion. I knew he was suffering from a major heart attack or stroke. I thought heat stroke and yelled, "He's having a stoke!" I yelled that we needed the nurse who had come on this trek, now. He husband responded to me saying she had gone home sick the day before. I felt my stomach drop. This man was going to die if we didn't get medical help soon.
I knew enough that we needed to start CPR and started asking the leaders around me if they knew how. Everyone was panicking and I realized then that if we were going to save this man's life we needed to act quickly. Two weeks ago for our Young Women activity we had CPR training on dolls and a pillow girl. We mostly let the girls preform CPR while the leaders watched. I will be forever grateful to Bonnie Imlay, our teacher. without her telling us everything about CPR, I wouldn't have been able to do what I did next.
When I saw that people were ignoring me and were trying to push him over onto his side hoping that would help him breath, I started yelling, "Stop! We have to do CPR! I need someone to help me do CPR, do you know how? Ok, good. You start the compressions, I'll breath. I need someone to count for me! Is someone calling 911? We need shade!" And on and on I went. Finally, people started to calm down. As another Brother and I switched off doing compressions. We kept checking for the pulse that was never there. And after a few minutes of CPR, we did get a few breaths. But they were far apart, about 15-20 seconds in between each breath.

As I heart the man on the phone with 911 trying to describe our location, I knew we needed coordinates. Just the night before, Kristy, one of my other YW leaders, had used her smart phone for GPS. I looked frantically through the legs of the people around me to find one of my youth. I spotted Morrigan Kelly and yelled at her to get Kristy. She must have heard me because when I felt a hand on my shoulder telling me to take a break, it was her.
I kept going. It had been at least twenty minutes from the last time we had him breathing his shallow, short gasps. I had remembered from Bonnie, that you could not stop until the EMTs arrived, nor did I want to stop. I could feel myself breaking his ribs as I did my compressions. I saw his mouth foam as I tried to breath for him. I saw his stomach blowing up as we pumped more air into him. I remembered soon after those twenty minutes had passed, I knew he was gone. I could just feel it, somehow. I had someone switch me out at this point as I started crying. I was glad Kristy was there the comfort I desperately needed. I remember looking around seeing that all the youth and other leaders were gone. I was glad they weren't there for this. I remember looking at the small group around me thinking, "Do they know he's gone?" But as they worked, I still hoped. I was no nurse; my knowledge of the medical world was very slim - Ray was the nurse, and I helped him study, I watched videos with him, and let him practice on me. But in reality, I knew next to nothing. I could be wrong. He could still come back. We just have to hold out until the medics get here.

We were told life flight could not land near us and we would have to take him to the shooting range, which was a mile or two back from where we came. We moved him onto the trailer hooked to the Rhino and continued our CPR. We stopped a little ways down the road when we were told life flight could land just above us on the hill. About 5-10 minutes later, two EMTs came running down the hill and took over. They got a D-Fib into him and started him on EPI by drilling into his shin. They shocked him twice to restart his heart, but he was still flat lined. About ten minutes of them working on him they said they would need to call it. All I remember thinking was that he's dead and his wife doesn't even know. The few leaders around me all started crying as we all hugged each other for the support we needed. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't even know this man and I felt like everyone had given his life to me to save. I had failed them. I had failed him.

We split up - half going back to the youth and half going with the body. I opted to go back with the youth. I didn't want to face his family and friends. We had decided not to tell the youth what had happened. We would go straight back to camp, pack up, and go home. We took a detour, which made it so we were only a mile away from camp. Once everyone got there, we all gathered around the Stake Presidency, where we were told that he had passed away and that we were all to pack up and go home. All I could think about was getting back home to Ray and Mady. I needed their love and comfort.

My mind keeps replaying the incident, trying to find something I missed; knowing I must have done something wrong. He would have lived if only I had did something differently. I just know it. I must have missed something that I could have prevented. I think that's what I'm scared of. That even thought I"m not a nurse and don't know very much about anything that way, and I know I did everything to the best of my knowledge right then, I could have saved him if only I had known this, or maybe have remembered this from when I was helping Ray studying it or something. I was the leader in trying to save that man's life. Everyone was looking to me and listening to my instructions. And I feel as if I have failed them.

June 14, 2012
For the past  week, I have received call after call from people who was there beside me helping me save Brother Kaczmar's life. Each of them telling me how amazed they are by me, how exceptional I was to take charge in such a crisis, that their life is changed because of me. Oh, how I hated these calls. I do not feel exceptional. I do not feel amazing. I don't know why when everyone around me was panicking I stayed calm. I don't know why I took charge so quickly and yelled out instructions, when I hardly knew what I was doing myself. I couldn't have done it without everyone there.

I went to his viewing. I was told it would help to get closure. I guess in a way it did. I'm glad my mother came with me. I don't think I could have done it alone. The line was so very long. His wife, Linda, came out of the room to talk to people because it was so long and they had to start the funeral service soon. When she came our way, my mother thought that she should tell her who I was, since I wasn't going to say anything. When my mom told her, she just looked at us, nodded her head and moved on. Her reaction crushed me. It just added to my fears - that she looked at me in a way that said I didn't save her husband. I failed her. I had been trying to get over those feelings and she brought them to life. I just wanted to leave. But my mother made me stay to walk through the rest of the line with his children and then to see him in the casket. I didn't want to do either of them. I didn't want to tell the kids who I was either, because of their mother's reaction. So when they asked me who I was, I just said I was on the trek with him. However, my mother opened her mouth again. Their reaction was different though. They all hugged me so tightly and said thank you. I think it was because of his six children's reaction that I have felt more peace about this whole thing. It was hard seeing him and when I did, I couldn't help but sob. Being reminded of everything that had happened when I have been trying ever to hard to get rid of the memory.

Now that all is said and done, I'm glad I went. I think it was the closure I needed. Most of all I'm glad it is all over. People aren't calling me anymore, no talk about his funeral coming up. Its over.